Like water.

Oh sweet spirit

I pray for guidance and goodness and healing and love
no delusion
I pray for a love that is so honest and truthful and loyal and healthy
I pray for a fabulous partner that is wonderful and in touch with who they are and possesses remarkable integrity and are able to communicate what they want 
and where they are going
and who they want to be.


What do I want?

I want bliss and joy and happiness and honesty and truth.
like I said.


I want to be in passionate, wonderful, real love.
I want to not be hurt by the person that is in love with me
in this way
ever


I want to have love that never leaves
that never cheats
that never lies
that doesnt want someone else

I want to trust this flow and I do
I give this to you
 god.goddess
I turn this over
I have let go
I have moved on from this

I am ready to live my life
to fill my life up with
wonder and delight
art and music
fabulous people
inspiration
travel
love
community
prosperity
abundance
miracles

My chalice is big and full and ready for the blessings
to rain on me


I am a woman that is happy and healthy and talented and loving
I am kind and compassionate and trusting
I am a woman that is a powerful creator
I am capable
I am brave and fearless
affirm.affirm.affirm.

I am going to create such a beautiful, happy life
and that is exciting
I am receptive to the blessings
so much gratitude

I pray
I send up so much hope to you
sweet spirit


I want to move into this next chapter readily and fully
gracefully
committed to a new life
I can do anything I want
And what is that?

I am healthy
I am good
I am ready


Blessed be
And so it is

sekhmet.

sekhmet:strength

i call on you sweet spirit of strength and empowerment.

i pray for guidance and truth and healing from the delusion of all this
from the shadows
from the people that detach and make promises and are not in touch with their own
sense of honesty.

i pray for humility and understanding and trust in the flow
of all of this
i pray for darkness into light
deep reaching roots after the storm
into the ground
a steady rhythm
a firm grip, girl
the sun, the moon and the stars and dark matter
all of it
yes i pray to end this cycle of
" i love you, we are kismet, i want you, we will always be together"

i do not want a person that can lose their very being
their humanity
their pulse
the beat of their heart
who they are
this way
turn it off like a switch

and i dont believe there was shadiness
and i dont think there were lies and harsh betrayal
but i do believe she lost her damn mind and now she is trying to find it
and is going about it in this floundering way
head barely above water
and i am getting pulled down with her
and i know she loves me
and when we are together it is easy to let go of all these details and the hurt
but the second she leaves
it all comes rushing back
and i just cant do it
and so here i am
like i said
unsure
what do i do?
i want to respect myself enough to be able to say
stop this
stop jerking me around
stop trying to date me
i will not date you
but i dont know how to navigate this
i have no idea what is right
because this feels so much better than the lonely and the bored and the heartbroken

and so i am sending up
dear god:dear goddess

a prayer for healing and light and love and the ability to see through this bullshit
whatever bullshit there may be
because it is so hard
i want to feel the validation
the sense of
oh
you are person with a conscience again
you never left me this way
high and dry
but she did
and if you are capable of checking out to such a degree
of being so wasted all the time with all of you new idiot friends
not taking care of who you are
not understanding or feeling the sadness of this
then i am better off

i have felt my way through it
i am still feeling my way out of it
and all is know is i know nothing
i have found the quiet place within and i have tried so hard to whisper
gentle
sweet
kind
words
i love you. you are ok. you got this
you are goodness
and i wont stop
this soul that is doing this life with me is so very loved
and i am so grateful and i will do all i can to set bliss and positivity into motion

all week i have been quiet
i have listened and taken in her aggression
all of this anger that is so new
that was never her
biting my tongue, trying to understand her viewpoint
i just could not be that person anymore
tonight i snapped
and by snapped i mean
i sat in the front seat of the car with her and took it all in and every single time
i opened my mouth
her voice raised up
her tone got ugly
and i just got so sick of being pathetic
and i argued
for the first time all week
and i cried and that makes her more angry
and she couldnt handle it
her way or the high way
i cannot listen to anymore of her skewed perspective
yes, i respect her stance
yes, i am compassionate towards her feelings and her broken pieces
and her reasoning
i know that this is not all of her fault and all she can do is put words in my mouth
"oh you wouldnt do this, you thought this, you think this, you are this"
no, no, no
you thought wrong and perhaps you need somebody just a little bit more
on your level
i want to believe her
but i have to take care of this person in this body
this soul that tries
the voice inside that knows that in her details there are lies
not intentional
perhaps
but untruth all the same
i have to try to live up to the path that is being created
that i declared
that i wanted
that i insisted i was ready for
hopefully

and so yes
sekhmet
goddess of strength
i call on you

if it is for the good of me and her and all in the universe
i pray for the perfect outcome

blessed be.
and so it is.

The Weepies

ripening blessings

sweet

hopeful

intoxicating

elixir

soul sisters and harmonicas and mountain people and kate spade pink nail polish

"maybe the ashes just look pretty on your eyes"

deb talan, you steal my heart away

Sweet Girl.

Listening to patty griffin and i am not so sad anymore
not sad at all
this moment
the worst is over
i know

And so i want to put hopeful out there
divine hope
i want to sing
i want to be blissed out
i want to hug my sisters
my family
i want to love, love, love
i want to hold on tight and see what happens

trust the flow.

i dont know what today will bring
or tomorrow
patty griffin
steal my soul away

I am worlds away from the devastation i was living in last monday
this has been the most puzzling month
i wish people could just say what they mean
honesty
try to say it


tell me you dont love me anymore
tell me you adore me

i am a woman that is joyful and good
i am learning and evolving and trusting
i am safe. i am healthy.
i am good enough.

Saturday Morning.

Mornings are hard anyway
waking up and remembering all over again
trying to push down the details that hurt so much

not having anyone to wake up and have coffee in bed with
pots and pots of coffee
and to make saturday morning plans with
lucilles? walnut cafe? nothing?

oh little heart
here i sit
in this room
outside of my life, outside of boulder
and yes i am grateful
but my whole world has been uprooted
and i dont even know how to get it growing again
dont know what to try to harvest
not feeling the inspiration of it
yet, i hope

yesterday
i moved completely out of the house
our home together
the sadness was overwhelming and horrible and so stiff
and i said goodbye to doc
and i am trying to look at this as
meant to be
maybe a lesson i needed to learn
mysteries

why is this happening?
why has it happened this way?

i cant help but feel the shock so deeply of all of it
yes. got rid of me.

trying hard to not take it personally
to not feel unloved
and to believe that someone will love me fully one day
and i will trust it.

to believe people are trustworthy.

i just dont know. i cant say i know much.

i can say the pictures of us
our traveling
our living
austin.portland.austin.boulder.
san juan island.marfa.california.
break my heart into a thousand pieces

how do i recover?
how do i navigate this?
how do i trust?

went out last night in downtown denver with some folks
and it just isnt my scene
not my tribe
and i gazed and gazed and wanted her to be there
and then i didnt
and did again
trying to ride the good waves
to not identify everything i am and have done in the past 3 years
with her
trying to separate.

i am so sad.
my heart feels busted
oh saturday oh sunday
you are hard on me.

Trust the Mess.

it is so hard for me to let go of the idea that i need to know the reasons
the why's of all this

how could you do this to me

i saw her yesterday for the first time in a few days
and yesterday was the first day in a week that i could see the light through this
and i was strong
and didnt cry the days and nights away
and she does look sad and she looks empty and not like herself
or maybe it was an act
i dont know anything anymore
about her

and my stomach is a wreck and i need to start eating
and my sleep is so light and its so hard at night to not just fall apart

to stop replaying our life together

the way in the span of a week i lost sight of her
and she never looked back
i have no idea who she is right now and
she says she feels empty and detached
and i say go to therapy

she says she misses me and the house is so very sad without me
and i say
dont you dare say that, today is the first day i havent cried all day
bent over from grief
dont you dare say you miss
me
dont say you love me
i say
if you loved me you would have come home

i never asked you to tell me we were kismet
to make your big promises
to say you will never, ever leave me
that i am your person

it is a terrible thing to do to someone to make them start believing something
so absolute as that
in a life so flowing as this
and then take it all back

why get my handwriting tattooed on your back
up your spine
life.line.

and forget not that the earth delights to feel your barefeet
and the winds long to play with your hair

how could you

some of the best advice i have gotten
through this
is to put her in a bubble outside of myself
of who i am
and try so hard not to care
how she is feeling
dealing or not
to trust that the universe will bring her through this
offer genuine release

i am so terrified for my own heart and the trust i had in her
in people
you just never know
i guess

believing you know someone so well
3 years. 3 states.
big adventures together
big growth together

oh
this week i have been through the ringer
and i am being kind to myself at this point
i am trying to focus here on what i want and how to make sure i am ok
and will be ok

and not care if she is ok
because it is so hard to turn off taking care of someone
making sure they are ok
having them make sure you are ok.

and so i want to write this all out
i want to get this out of me
and let go of it
and feel no anger
and feel no guilt
no regret
and another mantra: this too shall pass

i dont see the heartache on her though
and there i go again
please go back into the bubble, thought.

i acknowledge all of these feelings and love them and know i have to go through them
but it is for my own sanity i have to push so many
memories
words
songs
experiences
aside.under.

i have to not question what i did that made her stop loving me
or not want me anymore
or if she doesnt love me anymore, at that.

oh it hurts

this is ok
this is ok
this is ok

i cant help but speculate.
another person? a nervous breakdown?
who are you?

and trying so hard not to take it all personally
to not beat myself up

anyway

i just want to get through this
to the other side
to joy and bliss and happiness
to trust
and comfort and healing.

and when i saw her yesterday
she was coming home from the grocery store
and i went inside the house
our old home with my old dog and she took a minute
and then
in she came with a bag full of potatoes, corn and an onion

and so now i cant help but wonder
what did she take out of the bag
in the car
before she followed me inside
that she didnt want me to see
if she did
who buys potatoes, corn and an onion at the store when there is nothing in your fridge or cabinets to eat with them?

lots of dishes in the sink.
i do not know

bless her heart
bless my heart.
amen.

i do not know. i do not know.
trust the mess.

Letting go.

Nia.
Yoga.
Knitting.
Writing.
Painting.
Alchemy of Movement

Poetic.
I love the old me, the present me, the me I will become.

I love the pieces of me that hurt
the pieces that are mean and scared
I love the pieces that shine and bend and reach for the light
I am ready for this
I said I was ready
And now I have to live up to that

Dear God
Dear Goddess


I thank you for this experience.
I trust you completely.
I pray:

I want love in my life that is so sweet and loyal and hilarious.
peaceful and passionate and content.
I want bliss and truth and inspiration and creativity and wonder.
I want this life that I lead and I am grateful for it.

Thank you for the many gifts

The gorgeousness in the destruction of the stagnant to make room for the new

To hurt as it frees
the broken parts and the quiet ones.
The hopeful and proud.

you got this.