Saturday Morning.

Mornings are hard anyway
waking up and remembering all over again
trying to push down the details that hurt so much

not having anyone to wake up and have coffee in bed with
pots and pots of coffee
and to make saturday morning plans with
lucilles? walnut cafe? nothing?

oh little heart
here i sit
in this room
outside of my life, outside of boulder
and yes i am grateful
but my whole world has been uprooted
and i dont even know how to get it growing again
dont know what to try to harvest
not feeling the inspiration of it
yet, i hope

yesterday
i moved completely out of the house
our home together
the sadness was overwhelming and horrible and so stiff
and i said goodbye to doc
and i am trying to look at this as
meant to be
maybe a lesson i needed to learn
mysteries

why is this happening?
why has it happened this way?

i cant help but feel the shock so deeply of all of it
yes. got rid of me.

trying hard to not take it personally
to not feel unloved
and to believe that someone will love me fully one day
and i will trust it.

to believe people are trustworthy.

i just dont know. i cant say i know much.

i can say the pictures of us
our traveling
our living
austin.portland.austin.boulder.
san juan island.marfa.california.
break my heart into a thousand pieces

how do i recover?
how do i navigate this?
how do i trust?

went out last night in downtown denver with some folks
and it just isnt my scene
not my tribe
and i gazed and gazed and wanted her to be there
and then i didnt
and did again
trying to ride the good waves
to not identify everything i am and have done in the past 3 years
with her
trying to separate.

i am so sad.
my heart feels busted
oh saturday oh sunday
you are hard on me.