in the end.

trusting heart.

i want to write to you
i want you to know these parts of me that are quiet and without words in the moment
the pain in my chest that sometimes leaves me flat on my back
do.not.move.

on your breath
you carry a thousand words that dont exist yet
you are an inventor
poetic scientist
you fill my heart.
this prayer.filled body wants to believe every bird song that you sing
healing blue light and mantras
do.not.move.
let this take you under

and you will look into my eyes
the same way you have looked into every other lovers eyes before
i am not special. we are not special.
this secret that i am telling you now is that i want us to be special
i want us wide eyed, dancing, throwing bottles full of our tears into
the ocean, the sky
the highway behind us
a sparkle on the water and the true and stunning belief that we have been here before
we will laugh and we will dance and we will cry and yell and feel guilty
we will sing and sometimes it will fall flat and and i wont know what to do to save you
the fear that you will not see me
when it counts.

prayer.

falling into a sort of grace
the way i used to write
wanting to feel this genuine connection
a hunger
a thirst
a pounding fist

i want this.
i want the trance.like state of bliss
of the most painful kind of beauty
the creation
i dont even know what i am saying but i am happy
i am also a little detached perhaps
all you wanted
painted parasol and his grandmothers gold ring
living in clip and omen and colder weather and laying on the couch listening
to so much country music

what you wanted
i am constantly amazed at this world
the miracles
the wonder
the magic

we are magic
receptive hands
flow
like water

i want this whole glorious life.
thank you.
it always turns into an ode to you
gratitude
sweet joy
joyful.girl.

wanderlust.
music.
feeling all of it.

dive.
bold risktaker.

i pray to what is.

breathe.

be my thrill
my big spoon
my polarity
my drinking buddy
my tribe
laughter at 4am

the way my life has felt
since the first time i moved to austin
the woman i am now, the pieces i took with me
the ones left behind
the ones that slowly started reaching for the light
growing higher and higher still

the agave plants, the friends made and lost, jos, bouldin creek and the magic
being enchanted by a place, the energy, the air, the art, the edge, the goodness
"i am humbled in this city."

and here i am again.

and oh my god
i am starting to feel my soul shiver
being so blown away by all of it
life
is
so
fucking
beautiful

sing.

and i want to

just because i want to:
i want to fucking jam out
and not feel like a tool when i say that
i want to bliss out
i want to feel so happy and present and grateful
i want to feel the passion and the art and the strings
the trees and the stars and the ocean and the moutains and the moon

the clouds and the anti-clouds.
as he would say.

i want to be head over heels in love
i want to be passionate and kind and loving and hilarious.
i want goodness and genuine care.
i am living in austin.shaky land.

poetic scientist
attracted.literally.
different and the same
as me

i miss my things
i miss my art table
i miss my paintings and inspiration board
i miss my vanity and aphrodite
i miss having plants
i have been here not very long.

breathe.
ease into your new life.

quiet soul.

"looked forward and never backwards"
keep repeating these words
sweet girl

moving to austin.
and i cant help it, i am a happy person
its in my nature
i trust
i believe
i see the beauty in all of this really

even if it takes awhile
i guess
all of it

i am going to miss these mountains.
they are such protectors
boulder is like a haven
that is not meant for me right now

"this aint no time for that ball and chain"
i will remember these words
i will try to be present in the unfolding
"make a decision and decide that its the right decision"

wherever you are, there you are
all i know to do is
be receptive to blessings and goodness
and
like i said
trust this flow
be like water

the destruction of the old to make room for the powerful new
propelling us into greater bliss
swift and messy

thats all i know.

wanting a writing practice
truly
find my own voice
vox

so how are you?

gentle, sweet, spirited woman
how are you.

Austin.

listening to ani now
and being in austin
is unfolding
awakening
something sleeping
empowering me

the humidity and the hippies and the hipsters and the invigorating energy in the air
the promise that you could probably be a little bit wild now
like you could live out some of these easy ani songs about having fun
and being fabulous
and not taking any shit

thats the woman i am
i am a woman that is devoted
i learned
i am a woman that is committed
i learned
i am a woman that is evolving and trusting and able to handle this flow
i will not go backwards.

"i aint got time for halfway, i aint got time for halfassed"

in this world.

there is someone in this world that would never be able to do this
to me
a person that sees me
and does not detach from our life together because
we were in this together
how dare you
so what am i doing?
why would i listen to these words?
i do not want someone that makes big promises and breaks every one
a person that will need me
my love
there is a person in this world that will adore me and comfort me
'keep the world at bay from me'
always in true ways
there is a person that will be my light
that will be devoted and always believe in the power of our love
for growth and rebuilding and layers and
messy.thrilling.commitment

and i want the passion
i want the mess
i want the destruction of the old to make room for the powerful new
together
always together
riding the wave
evolution and soul connection
home.

all of it.
not a drop less.
let go.