Trust the Mess.

it is so hard for me to let go of the idea that i need to know the reasons
the why's of all this

how could you do this to me

i saw her yesterday for the first time in a few days
and yesterday was the first day in a week that i could see the light through this
and i was strong
and didnt cry the days and nights away
and she does look sad and she looks empty and not like herself
or maybe it was an act
i dont know anything anymore
about her

and my stomach is a wreck and i need to start eating
and my sleep is so light and its so hard at night to not just fall apart

to stop replaying our life together

the way in the span of a week i lost sight of her
and she never looked back
i have no idea who she is right now and
she says she feels empty and detached
and i say go to therapy

she says she misses me and the house is so very sad without me
and i say
dont you dare say that, today is the first day i havent cried all day
bent over from grief
dont you dare say you miss
me
dont say you love me
i say
if you loved me you would have come home

i never asked you to tell me we were kismet
to make your big promises
to say you will never, ever leave me
that i am your person

it is a terrible thing to do to someone to make them start believing something
so absolute as that
in a life so flowing as this
and then take it all back

why get my handwriting tattooed on your back
up your spine
life.line.

and forget not that the earth delights to feel your barefeet
and the winds long to play with your hair

how could you

some of the best advice i have gotten
through this
is to put her in a bubble outside of myself
of who i am
and try so hard not to care
how she is feeling
dealing or not
to trust that the universe will bring her through this
offer genuine release

i am so terrified for my own heart and the trust i had in her
in people
you just never know
i guess

believing you know someone so well
3 years. 3 states.
big adventures together
big growth together

oh
this week i have been through the ringer
and i am being kind to myself at this point
i am trying to focus here on what i want and how to make sure i am ok
and will be ok

and not care if she is ok
because it is so hard to turn off taking care of someone
making sure they are ok
having them make sure you are ok.

and so i want to write this all out
i want to get this out of me
and let go of it
and feel no anger
and feel no guilt
no regret
and another mantra: this too shall pass

i dont see the heartache on her though
and there i go again
please go back into the bubble, thought.

i acknowledge all of these feelings and love them and know i have to go through them
but it is for my own sanity i have to push so many
memories
words
songs
experiences
aside.under.

i have to not question what i did that made her stop loving me
or not want me anymore
or if she doesnt love me anymore, at that.

oh it hurts

this is ok
this is ok
this is ok

i cant help but speculate.
another person? a nervous breakdown?
who are you?

and trying so hard not to take it all personally
to not beat myself up

anyway

i just want to get through this
to the other side
to joy and bliss and happiness
to trust
and comfort and healing.

and when i saw her yesterday
she was coming home from the grocery store
and i went inside the house
our old home with my old dog and she took a minute
and then
in she came with a bag full of potatoes, corn and an onion

and so now i cant help but wonder
what did she take out of the bag
in the car
before she followed me inside
that she didnt want me to see
if she did
who buys potatoes, corn and an onion at the store when there is nothing in your fridge or cabinets to eat with them?

lots of dishes in the sink.
i do not know

bless her heart
bless my heart.
amen.

i do not know. i do not know.
trust the mess.