Austin.

listening to ani now
and being in austin
is unfolding
awakening
something sleeping
empowering me

the humidity and the hippies and the hipsters and the invigorating energy in the air
the promise that you could probably be a little bit wild now
like you could live out some of these easy ani songs about having fun
and being fabulous
and not taking any shit

thats the woman i am
i am a woman that is devoted
i learned
i am a woman that is committed
i learned
i am a woman that is evolving and trusting and able to handle this flow
i will not go backwards.

"i aint got time for halfway, i aint got time for halfassed"

in this world.

there is someone in this world that would never be able to do this
to me
a person that sees me
and does not detach from our life together because
we were in this together
how dare you
so what am i doing?
why would i listen to these words?
i do not want someone that makes big promises and breaks every one
a person that will need me
my love
there is a person in this world that will adore me and comfort me
'keep the world at bay from me'
always in true ways
there is a person that will be my light
that will be devoted and always believe in the power of our love
for growth and rebuilding and layers and
messy.thrilling.commitment

and i want the passion
i want the mess
i want the destruction of the old to make room for the powerful new
together
always together
riding the wave
evolution and soul connection
home.

all of it.
not a drop less.
let go.

sad.

to let go
to move on
to be free
to be adored

and ray lamontagne is singing let it be me and my heart just sinks
thats how it feels
a sinking down, pulling down
not being able to keep your face from falling
'there may come a time you just cant seem to find your place
thats when you need someone
someone that you can call
when all your faith is gone
it feels like you cant go home
let it be me'

and oh my god i am so watery
this staying stagnant with her
this dragging out
dragging down

i dont know what i believe
i dont think i believe any of it but
god i want to
i want the dip and the light and her face at soup
i want the way she used to look at me
until the day she was done
that same look
that she simply adored and loved me
for all that i was
all that we were and had

and so now here i am
and she doesnt have that sense
so why the fuck do i do this to myself

why do i listen to someone tell me they love me
after all of this
the devastating way
the unsure baby steps
the bullshit
the lies
the betrayal
all of it

i know i could never look at her face and trust her again
believe the love she has
i wish more than my being can express that this had never happened
it has shaken me

Like water.

Oh sweet spirit

I pray for guidance and goodness and healing and love
no delusion
I pray for a love that is so honest and truthful and loyal and healthy
I pray for a fabulous partner that is wonderful and in touch with who they are and possesses remarkable integrity and are able to communicate what they want 
and where they are going
and who they want to be.


What do I want?

I want bliss and joy and happiness and honesty and truth.
like I said.


I want to be in passionate, wonderful, real love.
I want to not be hurt by the person that is in love with me
in this way
ever


I want to have love that never leaves
that never cheats
that never lies
that doesnt want someone else

I want to trust this flow and I do
I give this to you
 god.goddess
I turn this over
I have let go
I have moved on from this

I am ready to live my life
to fill my life up with
wonder and delight
art and music
fabulous people
inspiration
travel
love
community
prosperity
abundance
miracles

My chalice is big and full and ready for the blessings
to rain on me


I am a woman that is happy and healthy and talented and loving
I am kind and compassionate and trusting
I am a woman that is a powerful creator
I am capable
I am brave and fearless
affirm.affirm.affirm.

I am going to create such a beautiful, happy life
and that is exciting
I am receptive to the blessings
so much gratitude

I pray
I send up so much hope to you
sweet spirit


I want to move into this next chapter readily and fully
gracefully
committed to a new life
I can do anything I want
And what is that?

I am healthy
I am good
I am ready


Blessed be
And so it is

sekhmet.

sekhmet:strength

i call on you sweet spirit of strength and empowerment.

i pray for guidance and truth and healing from the delusion of all this
from the shadows
from the people that detach and make promises and are not in touch with their own
sense of honesty.

i pray for humility and understanding and trust in the flow
of all of this
i pray for darkness into light
deep reaching roots after the storm
into the ground
a steady rhythm
a firm grip, girl
the sun, the moon and the stars and dark matter
all of it
yes i pray to end this cycle of
" i love you, we are kismet, i want you, we will always be together"

i do not want a person that can lose their very being
their humanity
their pulse
the beat of their heart
who they are
this way
turn it off like a switch

and i dont believe there was shadiness
and i dont think there were lies and harsh betrayal
but i do believe she lost her damn mind and now she is trying to find it
and is going about it in this floundering way
head barely above water
and i am getting pulled down with her
and i know she loves me
and when we are together it is easy to let go of all these details and the hurt
but the second she leaves
it all comes rushing back
and i just cant do it
and so here i am
like i said
unsure
what do i do?
i want to respect myself enough to be able to say
stop this
stop jerking me around
stop trying to date me
i will not date you
but i dont know how to navigate this
i have no idea what is right
because this feels so much better than the lonely and the bored and the heartbroken

and so i am sending up
dear god:dear goddess

a prayer for healing and light and love and the ability to see through this bullshit
whatever bullshit there may be
because it is so hard
i want to feel the validation
the sense of
oh
you are person with a conscience again
you never left me this way
high and dry
but she did
and if you are capable of checking out to such a degree
of being so wasted all the time with all of you new idiot friends
not taking care of who you are
not understanding or feeling the sadness of this
then i am better off

i have felt my way through it
i am still feeling my way out of it
and all is know is i know nothing
i have found the quiet place within and i have tried so hard to whisper
gentle
sweet
kind
words
i love you. you are ok. you got this
you are goodness
and i wont stop
this soul that is doing this life with me is so very loved
and i am so grateful and i will do all i can to set bliss and positivity into motion

all week i have been quiet
i have listened and taken in her aggression
all of this anger that is so new
that was never her
biting my tongue, trying to understand her viewpoint
i just could not be that person anymore
tonight i snapped
and by snapped i mean
i sat in the front seat of the car with her and took it all in and every single time
i opened my mouth
her voice raised up
her tone got ugly
and i just got so sick of being pathetic
and i argued
for the first time all week
and i cried and that makes her more angry
and she couldnt handle it
her way or the high way
i cannot listen to anymore of her skewed perspective
yes, i respect her stance
yes, i am compassionate towards her feelings and her broken pieces
and her reasoning
i know that this is not all of her fault and all she can do is put words in my mouth
"oh you wouldnt do this, you thought this, you think this, you are this"
no, no, no
you thought wrong and perhaps you need somebody just a little bit more
on your level
i want to believe her
but i have to take care of this person in this body
this soul that tries
the voice inside that knows that in her details there are lies
not intentional
perhaps
but untruth all the same
i have to try to live up to the path that is being created
that i declared
that i wanted
that i insisted i was ready for
hopefully

and so yes
sekhmet
goddess of strength
i call on you

if it is for the good of me and her and all in the universe
i pray for the perfect outcome

blessed be.
and so it is.