sekhmet.

sekhmet:strength

i call on you sweet spirit of strength and empowerment.

i pray for guidance and truth and healing from the delusion of all this
from the shadows
from the people that detach and make promises and are not in touch with their own
sense of honesty.

i pray for humility and understanding and trust in the flow
of all of this
i pray for darkness into light
deep reaching roots after the storm
into the ground
a steady rhythm
a firm grip, girl
the sun, the moon and the stars and dark matter
all of it
yes i pray to end this cycle of
" i love you, we are kismet, i want you, we will always be together"

i do not want a person that can lose their very being
their humanity
their pulse
the beat of their heart
who they are
this way
turn it off like a switch

and i dont believe there was shadiness
and i dont think there were lies and harsh betrayal
but i do believe she lost her damn mind and now she is trying to find it
and is going about it in this floundering way
head barely above water
and i am getting pulled down with her
and i know she loves me
and when we are together it is easy to let go of all these details and the hurt
but the second she leaves
it all comes rushing back
and i just cant do it
and so here i am
like i said
unsure
what do i do?
i want to respect myself enough to be able to say
stop this
stop jerking me around
stop trying to date me
i will not date you
but i dont know how to navigate this
i have no idea what is right
because this feels so much better than the lonely and the bored and the heartbroken

and so i am sending up
dear god:dear goddess

a prayer for healing and light and love and the ability to see through this bullshit
whatever bullshit there may be
because it is so hard
i want to feel the validation
the sense of
oh
you are person with a conscience again
you never left me this way
high and dry
but she did
and if you are capable of checking out to such a degree
of being so wasted all the time with all of you new idiot friends
not taking care of who you are
not understanding or feeling the sadness of this
then i am better off

i have felt my way through it
i am still feeling my way out of it
and all is know is i know nothing
i have found the quiet place within and i have tried so hard to whisper
gentle
sweet
kind
words
i love you. you are ok. you got this
you are goodness
and i wont stop
this soul that is doing this life with me is so very loved
and i am so grateful and i will do all i can to set bliss and positivity into motion

all week i have been quiet
i have listened and taken in her aggression
all of this anger that is so new
that was never her
biting my tongue, trying to understand her viewpoint
i just could not be that person anymore
tonight i snapped
and by snapped i mean
i sat in the front seat of the car with her and took it all in and every single time
i opened my mouth
her voice raised up
her tone got ugly
and i just got so sick of being pathetic
and i argued
for the first time all week
and i cried and that makes her more angry
and she couldnt handle it
her way or the high way
i cannot listen to anymore of her skewed perspective
yes, i respect her stance
yes, i am compassionate towards her feelings and her broken pieces
and her reasoning
i know that this is not all of her fault and all she can do is put words in my mouth
"oh you wouldnt do this, you thought this, you think this, you are this"
no, no, no
you thought wrong and perhaps you need somebody just a little bit more
on your level
i want to believe her
but i have to take care of this person in this body
this soul that tries
the voice inside that knows that in her details there are lies
not intentional
perhaps
but untruth all the same
i have to try to live up to the path that is being created
that i declared
that i wanted
that i insisted i was ready for
hopefully

and so yes
sekhmet
goddess of strength
i call on you

if it is for the good of me and her and all in the universe
i pray for the perfect outcome

blessed be.
and so it is.