quiet soul.

"looked forward and never backwards"
keep repeating these words
sweet girl

moving to austin.
and i cant help it, i am a happy person
its in my nature
i trust
i believe
i see the beauty in all of this really

even if it takes awhile
i guess
all of it

i am going to miss these mountains.
they are such protectors
boulder is like a haven
that is not meant for me right now

"this aint no time for that ball and chain"
i will remember these words
i will try to be present in the unfolding
"make a decision and decide that its the right decision"

wherever you are, there you are
all i know to do is
be receptive to blessings and goodness
and
like i said
trust this flow
be like water

the destruction of the old to make room for the powerful new
propelling us into greater bliss
swift and messy

thats all i know.

wanting a writing practice
truly
find my own voice
vox

so how are you?

gentle, sweet, spirited woman
how are you.

Austin.

listening to ani now
and being in austin
is unfolding
awakening
something sleeping
empowering me

the humidity and the hippies and the hipsters and the invigorating energy in the air
the promise that you could probably be a little bit wild now
like you could live out some of these easy ani songs about having fun
and being fabulous
and not taking any shit

thats the woman i am
i am a woman that is devoted
i learned
i am a woman that is committed
i learned
i am a woman that is evolving and trusting and able to handle this flow
i will not go backwards.

"i aint got time for halfway, i aint got time for halfassed"

in this world.

there is someone in this world that would never be able to do this
to me
a person that sees me
and does not detach from our life together because
we were in this together
how dare you
so what am i doing?
why would i listen to these words?
i do not want someone that makes big promises and breaks every one
a person that will need me
my love
there is a person in this world that will adore me and comfort me
'keep the world at bay from me'
always in true ways
there is a person that will be my light
that will be devoted and always believe in the power of our love
for growth and rebuilding and layers and
messy.thrilling.commitment

and i want the passion
i want the mess
i want the destruction of the old to make room for the powerful new
together
always together
riding the wave
evolution and soul connection
home.

all of it.
not a drop less.
let go.

sad.

to let go
to move on
to be free
to be adored

and ray lamontagne is singing let it be me and my heart just sinks
thats how it feels
a sinking down, pulling down
not being able to keep your face from falling
'there may come a time you just cant seem to find your place
thats when you need someone
someone that you can call
when all your faith is gone
it feels like you cant go home
let it be me'

and oh my god i am so watery
this staying stagnant with her
this dragging out
dragging down

i dont know what i believe
i dont think i believe any of it but
god i want to
i want the dip and the light and her face at soup
i want the way she used to look at me
until the day she was done
that same look
that she simply adored and loved me
for all that i was
all that we were and had

and so now here i am
and she doesnt have that sense
so why the fuck do i do this to myself

why do i listen to someone tell me they love me
after all of this
the devastating way
the unsure baby steps
the bullshit
the lies
the betrayal
all of it

i know i could never look at her face and trust her again
believe the love she has
i wish more than my being can express that this had never happened
it has shaken me

Like water.

Oh sweet spirit

I pray for guidance and goodness and healing and love
no delusion
I pray for a love that is so honest and truthful and loyal and healthy
I pray for a fabulous partner that is wonderful and in touch with who they are and possesses remarkable integrity and are able to communicate what they want 
and where they are going
and who they want to be.


What do I want?

I want bliss and joy and happiness and honesty and truth.
like I said.


I want to be in passionate, wonderful, real love.
I want to not be hurt by the person that is in love with me
in this way
ever


I want to have love that never leaves
that never cheats
that never lies
that doesnt want someone else

I want to trust this flow and I do
I give this to you
 god.goddess
I turn this over
I have let go
I have moved on from this

I am ready to live my life
to fill my life up with
wonder and delight
art and music
fabulous people
inspiration
travel
love
community
prosperity
abundance
miracles

My chalice is big and full and ready for the blessings
to rain on me


I am a woman that is happy and healthy and talented and loving
I am kind and compassionate and trusting
I am a woman that is a powerful creator
I am capable
I am brave and fearless
affirm.affirm.affirm.

I am going to create such a beautiful, happy life
and that is exciting
I am receptive to the blessings
so much gratitude

I pray
I send up so much hope to you
sweet spirit


I want to move into this next chapter readily and fully
gracefully
committed to a new life
I can do anything I want
And what is that?

I am healthy
I am good
I am ready


Blessed be
And so it is

sekhmet.

sekhmet:strength

i call on you sweet spirit of strength and empowerment.

i pray for guidance and truth and healing from the delusion of all this
from the shadows
from the people that detach and make promises and are not in touch with their own
sense of honesty.

i pray for humility and understanding and trust in the flow
of all of this
i pray for darkness into light
deep reaching roots after the storm
into the ground
a steady rhythm
a firm grip, girl
the sun, the moon and the stars and dark matter
all of it
yes i pray to end this cycle of
" i love you, we are kismet, i want you, we will always be together"

i do not want a person that can lose their very being
their humanity
their pulse
the beat of their heart
who they are
this way
turn it off like a switch

and i dont believe there was shadiness
and i dont think there were lies and harsh betrayal
but i do believe she lost her damn mind and now she is trying to find it
and is going about it in this floundering way
head barely above water
and i am getting pulled down with her
and i know she loves me
and when we are together it is easy to let go of all these details and the hurt
but the second she leaves
it all comes rushing back
and i just cant do it
and so here i am
like i said
unsure
what do i do?
i want to respect myself enough to be able to say
stop this
stop jerking me around
stop trying to date me
i will not date you
but i dont know how to navigate this
i have no idea what is right
because this feels so much better than the lonely and the bored and the heartbroken

and so i am sending up
dear god:dear goddess

a prayer for healing and light and love and the ability to see through this bullshit
whatever bullshit there may be
because it is so hard
i want to feel the validation
the sense of
oh
you are person with a conscience again
you never left me this way
high and dry
but she did
and if you are capable of checking out to such a degree
of being so wasted all the time with all of you new idiot friends
not taking care of who you are
not understanding or feeling the sadness of this
then i am better off

i have felt my way through it
i am still feeling my way out of it
and all is know is i know nothing
i have found the quiet place within and i have tried so hard to whisper
gentle
sweet
kind
words
i love you. you are ok. you got this
you are goodness
and i wont stop
this soul that is doing this life with me is so very loved
and i am so grateful and i will do all i can to set bliss and positivity into motion

all week i have been quiet
i have listened and taken in her aggression
all of this anger that is so new
that was never her
biting my tongue, trying to understand her viewpoint
i just could not be that person anymore
tonight i snapped
and by snapped i mean
i sat in the front seat of the car with her and took it all in and every single time
i opened my mouth
her voice raised up
her tone got ugly
and i just got so sick of being pathetic
and i argued
for the first time all week
and i cried and that makes her more angry
and she couldnt handle it
her way or the high way
i cannot listen to anymore of her skewed perspective
yes, i respect her stance
yes, i am compassionate towards her feelings and her broken pieces
and her reasoning
i know that this is not all of her fault and all she can do is put words in my mouth
"oh you wouldnt do this, you thought this, you think this, you are this"
no, no, no
you thought wrong and perhaps you need somebody just a little bit more
on your level
i want to believe her
but i have to take care of this person in this body
this soul that tries
the voice inside that knows that in her details there are lies
not intentional
perhaps
but untruth all the same
i have to try to live up to the path that is being created
that i declared
that i wanted
that i insisted i was ready for
hopefully

and so yes
sekhmet
goddess of strength
i call on you

if it is for the good of me and her and all in the universe
i pray for the perfect outcome

blessed be.
and so it is.

The Weepies

ripening blessings

sweet

hopeful

intoxicating

elixir

soul sisters and harmonicas and mountain people and kate spade pink nail polish

"maybe the ashes just look pretty on your eyes"

deb talan, you steal my heart away

Sweet Girl.

Listening to patty griffin and i am not so sad anymore
not sad at all
this moment
the worst is over
i know

And so i want to put hopeful out there
divine hope
i want to sing
i want to be blissed out
i want to hug my sisters
my family
i want to love, love, love
i want to hold on tight and see what happens

trust the flow.

i dont know what today will bring
or tomorrow
patty griffin
steal my soul away

I am worlds away from the devastation i was living in last monday
this has been the most puzzling month
i wish people could just say what they mean
honesty
try to say it


tell me you dont love me anymore
tell me you adore me

i am a woman that is joyful and good
i am learning and evolving and trusting
i am safe. i am healthy.
i am good enough.

Saturday Morning.

Mornings are hard anyway
waking up and remembering all over again
trying to push down the details that hurt so much

not having anyone to wake up and have coffee in bed with
pots and pots of coffee
and to make saturday morning plans with
lucilles? walnut cafe? nothing?

oh little heart
here i sit
in this room
outside of my life, outside of boulder
and yes i am grateful
but my whole world has been uprooted
and i dont even know how to get it growing again
dont know what to try to harvest
not feeling the inspiration of it
yet, i hope

yesterday
i moved completely out of the house
our home together
the sadness was overwhelming and horrible and so stiff
and i said goodbye to doc
and i am trying to look at this as
meant to be
maybe a lesson i needed to learn
mysteries

why is this happening?
why has it happened this way?

i cant help but feel the shock so deeply of all of it
yes. got rid of me.

trying hard to not take it personally
to not feel unloved
and to believe that someone will love me fully one day
and i will trust it.

to believe people are trustworthy.

i just dont know. i cant say i know much.

i can say the pictures of us
our traveling
our living
austin.portland.austin.boulder.
san juan island.marfa.california.
break my heart into a thousand pieces

how do i recover?
how do i navigate this?
how do i trust?

went out last night in downtown denver with some folks
and it just isnt my scene
not my tribe
and i gazed and gazed and wanted her to be there
and then i didnt
and did again
trying to ride the good waves
to not identify everything i am and have done in the past 3 years
with her
trying to separate.

i am so sad.
my heart feels busted
oh saturday oh sunday
you are hard on me.

Trust the Mess.

it is so hard for me to let go of the idea that i need to know the reasons
the why's of all this

how could you do this to me

i saw her yesterday for the first time in a few days
and yesterday was the first day in a week that i could see the light through this
and i was strong
and didnt cry the days and nights away
and she does look sad and she looks empty and not like herself
or maybe it was an act
i dont know anything anymore
about her

and my stomach is a wreck and i need to start eating
and my sleep is so light and its so hard at night to not just fall apart

to stop replaying our life together

the way in the span of a week i lost sight of her
and she never looked back
i have no idea who she is right now and
she says she feels empty and detached
and i say go to therapy

she says she misses me and the house is so very sad without me
and i say
dont you dare say that, today is the first day i havent cried all day
bent over from grief
dont you dare say you miss
me
dont say you love me
i say
if you loved me you would have come home

i never asked you to tell me we were kismet
to make your big promises
to say you will never, ever leave me
that i am your person

it is a terrible thing to do to someone to make them start believing something
so absolute as that
in a life so flowing as this
and then take it all back

why get my handwriting tattooed on your back
up your spine
life.line.

and forget not that the earth delights to feel your barefeet
and the winds long to play with your hair

how could you

some of the best advice i have gotten
through this
is to put her in a bubble outside of myself
of who i am
and try so hard not to care
how she is feeling
dealing or not
to trust that the universe will bring her through this
offer genuine release

i am so terrified for my own heart and the trust i had in her
in people
you just never know
i guess

believing you know someone so well
3 years. 3 states.
big adventures together
big growth together

oh
this week i have been through the ringer
and i am being kind to myself at this point
i am trying to focus here on what i want and how to make sure i am ok
and will be ok

and not care if she is ok
because it is so hard to turn off taking care of someone
making sure they are ok
having them make sure you are ok.

and so i want to write this all out
i want to get this out of me
and let go of it
and feel no anger
and feel no guilt
no regret
and another mantra: this too shall pass

i dont see the heartache on her though
and there i go again
please go back into the bubble, thought.

i acknowledge all of these feelings and love them and know i have to go through them
but it is for my own sanity i have to push so many
memories
words
songs
experiences
aside.under.

i have to not question what i did that made her stop loving me
or not want me anymore
or if she doesnt love me anymore, at that.

oh it hurts

this is ok
this is ok
this is ok

i cant help but speculate.
another person? a nervous breakdown?
who are you?

and trying so hard not to take it all personally
to not beat myself up

anyway

i just want to get through this
to the other side
to joy and bliss and happiness
to trust
and comfort and healing.

and when i saw her yesterday
she was coming home from the grocery store
and i went inside the house
our old home with my old dog and she took a minute
and then
in she came with a bag full of potatoes, corn and an onion

and so now i cant help but wonder
what did she take out of the bag
in the car
before she followed me inside
that she didnt want me to see
if she did
who buys potatoes, corn and an onion at the store when there is nothing in your fridge or cabinets to eat with them?

lots of dishes in the sink.
i do not know

bless her heart
bless my heart.
amen.

i do not know. i do not know.
trust the mess.

Letting go.

Nia.
Yoga.
Knitting.
Writing.
Painting.
Alchemy of Movement

Poetic.
I love the old me, the present me, the me I will become.

I love the pieces of me that hurt
the pieces that are mean and scared
I love the pieces that shine and bend and reach for the light
I am ready for this
I said I was ready
And now I have to live up to that

Dear God
Dear Goddess


I thank you for this experience.
I trust you completely.
I pray:

I want love in my life that is so sweet and loyal and hilarious.
peaceful and passionate and content.
I want bliss and truth and inspiration and creativity and wonder.
I want this life that I lead and I am grateful for it.

Thank you for the many gifts

The gorgeousness in the destruction of the stagnant to make room for the new

To hurt as it frees
the broken parts and the quiet ones.
The hopeful and proud.

you got this.

Affirm.Affirm.Affirm.

Honor thy mother and thy father.

wanting to let this turn into whatever
needs to be said
aloud
to myself
anything

i was just thinking about all this poetry
and thinking of the steel guitar
and raw.tinshed.voices

what would i write if i knew no one was reading?
like i used to
stacks and stacks of journals and notebooks and sketchpads
i know the magic of these musings
oh the force in the absolute love i feel for these experiences

Lughnassadh (loo-nah-sah) is near

i have found my soul a resting place in this new ecstatic tradition

moon love and lore, grounding power and a divine mother
trust
ancient nectar

to find a whole set of new ideas concerning something that feels so organic to me has been shifting
and oh i am on the cusp
so much learning
but i know in my spirit
that i need this
i need practice and connecting and honoring and gratitude
i want ritual and understanding of nature and magickal properties and herbs and symbols and archetypes
i want to light some candles and sit at an altar
talismans and joyfully infused parchment paper
blessings
wood bowls filled with salt and water for purification
makeshift statues
and art that swallows me up
whole
raising energy
i want to honor the elements and mysteries
yes
the divine in everything
never beginning for a moment to believe that you understand someone else's
path
journey
process
evolution
life
voice or universal spirit
if you can feel that goodness in you 
striving for absolute peace and love and compassion
is this not god?
speaking your language
guiding you into destino

maiden.mother.crone.
waxing.full.waning.

Inspiration Board.



Art.

praise.

cunt lover.

true.

what i found.

swh collage.

soak/ache.

implosion.

free birds.

wish.

dancing womyn.



big love.

sometimes i feel so very sick of these opinions
and expectations.
its like
why thank you
but i really didnt ask you.

lets stop caring so much about other peoples path
and process
and journey
we dont know the voice they are hearing inside

listen.

love. love. love.
more love.

i will love you.
broken parts and mean bones.
bad decisions and phases of delusion.
i will love your unfolding and evolution.
even the ugly parts.
i will plant seeds in your honor.
i will sing a moon song to you when you need Her love.
i will give you my favorite book and ask you about your favorite parts.

i will try my hardest not to judge your experience.
the reckoning and the detachment.

i will love you when you get back.
dear one.

All these things.

what god has become to me
 what fear has become to me.

it is good and it is what it is
and oh my god/dess
all we can do is hope and pray that this deepseated ecsatic grounding energy is real.
really.
this slow moving of ideas to end up here so far.

what i have found here:

the moon. the tapping into. the faces of.
maiden.mother.crone.
 'the moon is cyclical, like women.'

the art of ritual.intention.offering.practice.
 magic.

 so many gorgeous books.

compassion.
goddess culture.
an art room of my own.
complete acceptance.
 love growing.
neutral ground on most everything.
wicca.
baking.
tarot reading.
 dressing for the sheer pleasure of it. the art of adornment.
so much gratitude.

 i dont know much.
 i will say.
the easy flow of life and accepting the person that i am in all of her fears and insecurities and outlets.
in all her implosions and sadnesses hurts and delusions.
appreciating this life and the many true blessings
the secret blessings and the mysteries.
oh. the old mysteries.
ancient wisdoms and juicy nectar.
from the beginning
 the nature of things
dances and languages and seeds and yearning.

and ray lamontagne.
cuts you like a knife. s
harp knife.

anyway
it is my hope to find my writing again.
 to sit down and see what happens.
i am hoping it will flow.
bend
and move.